Abuse

2.10.2011


1 year ago

I sat on the left side of your bed, completely unaware that the silence 
between the two of us would soon escalate. Only the sound of typing 
could be heard, for I was busily preparing for the next work day. I 
remember asking if you were ok, knowing very well that you would 
likely hold back your truth. I was right. What happened next is just 
as clear to me, as it is a blur, if that makes any sense.

You picked up your cell phone and in an irrate manner, 
began to recite words that were immediately recognizeable, 
as I should know what has been sent through my facebook 
account. In a matter of seconds, you threw your phone in my 
direction, nearly missing my face by 1 inch. The impact resulted 
in a hole in the wall and even worse, fear for my safety. I was so 
shaken up that I could barely form words to express how I felt, but 
it didn't matter to you. I was automatically guilty of cheating because 
another man decided to send me a message via facebook, to which I did 
not respond in the same manner. You did not listen, even though you 
were actually guilty of cheating prior to this.

You grabbed my overnight clothes and threw them into a 
plastic bag, failing to grab my laptop after I insisted that I 
would do it, to which you said "I bought you that." I cried. I 
wept for the woman I had been-- confident, strong-willed, 
resilient, and trusting. I had become a shell of her, only 
hanging onto a shred of hope. I cried, as you grabbed my 
arm and dragged me towards the door, screaming at the 
top of your lungs. I pleaded with you, as you pulled me 
down the stairs, chanting out the words BITCH FUCK SHIT 
as if that was my whole name. My body felt limp as you picked 
me up and threw me on the front porch.

It was cold outside and the pavement had briefly become my bed. 
Laying there, I drowned myself in tears and heard sounds come 
out of my body that were unfamiliar and frightening. I was whaling. 
For the next 10 minutes, I began to pull myself towards my car. The 
weight of my pain held me down, making it much harder to breathe 
and even see. When I had climbed in my car, I heard a door open and 
soon thereafter, footsteps. In such a shocked state, I barely noticed the 
black shadow approaching me or maybe, I just no longer cared. You threw 
a bag into the car and walked back into your home.

By the time I reached the interstate, I had already ran off the road at 
least 3 times. My eyes were swollen & everything seemed blurry. Pain. 
I remember being overwhelmed with pain. I heard a familar noise coming 
from behind me and even when I realized it was you, I still didn't understand 
why. Why would you follow me home? Why?

I talked to your best friend as soon as I walked into the house. By that 
time, you had already emailed the person you accused me of cheating 
with, threatening to attack him. At some point, the next day, you emailed 
me and then you called. I had been crying so hard from the previous night 
that I lost my voice & my face was swollen. You apologized for several things, 
but mainly your ill-mannered assumption that I had cheated. I had done nothing 
to you, ever.

We separated.
We got back together.
You did not make an honest attempt to gain my respect or trust back.
You continued to break your promises and embarass me in front of family 
and friends.
You cursed at me, often storming out of the room after causing an argument.
You lied, did not tell me that you had my passwords, and did not tell me you 
were 
logging into my email.
You emailed my best friend and told her that she was a bitch & would never 
have a man...all because she didn't like you (what did you expect?).
You actually considered walking out on me, after your friend conveniently 
showed up at the same lounge, while we were on a triple date with my best 
friends.
You left me at Scarowinds, after I had paid for you to go. You didn't even wait 
in the parking lot.

According to you, I was supposed to be grateful, despite the examples I stated 
above. I wasn't allowed to expect more, because you took me out to dinner or a 
movie. I couldn't complain or attempt to discuss anything with you because in
your eyes, you were trying to move forward.

You were trying to move forward.

A year and some change later, I find myself here...sitting in my bed,
without you. The pain I felt only revisits me when I am on the brink
of individual success. I felt it today, as I was laying in the bath tub.
My back was throbbing and I started to feel alone. I wondered how
I ended up in this position, after devoting so much love & care into a
person, a relationship. I cried, only this time, I had faith. I can admit
that I am now afraid of loving someone, caring, sharing. I can open up
and show my personality, but the feeling of caring for someone else brings
me to tears. I don't know how to be the person I once was and I also
understand that I can't be. I'm not perfect, but I do believe that
what I deserve is priceless.

I don't want to be a sexual object or a doormat, I just want to be
recognized and appreciated for who I am, what I can offer, and
simply, just as a human being. Coming out of an abusive relationship
& thriving thereafter, is my testimony. I'm learning to love me and in
turn, love those who have always been supportive. I hope that when I
decide to open up again, the person on the other end will take care of
my heart. I only have one.

6 comments:

A Rose Colored Glass said...

That post truly touched me.I can feel you and only imagine.For a moment I can picture myself as you and undstand.

Candace said...

Thank you! I am still surprised that I had the courage to share this story, but I feel much better now.

Jeff said...

I don't know how I came across this and your page... but I connected with that story. I feel like have gone through that before and it hurts but it gets better... I still think I am afraid to feel though. Thank you for sharing that with the world and me.

Anonymous said...

I FRICKIN LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NRC said...

Truly powerful made me a cry a little!

Candace said...

Thank you!!! It's not easy to talk about, but the feedback I've received has been positive and very much appreciated:)

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